


Awakening

by WhoIsWren



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Episode: s05e06 The Shrine, Falling In Love, Feelings Realization, Love, M/M, Memories, POV Rodney McKay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-25 19:56:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14386011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhoIsWren/pseuds/WhoIsWren
Summary: Rodney never thought he'd find love in the Pegasus Galaxy. Nor did he expect to find it in a scruffy and somewhat impulsive Air Force Lieutenant Colonel.Apparently, that's exactly what he's gone and done.Not that he even realised it.





	Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> wow this came out of nowhere but I'm sort of in love with it??  
> Also, I am truly horrible at tagging .... like what are you even meant to tag???

He didn’t realise he was in love with John Sheppard until he was losing his mind and Sheppard was the thing he clung to as if his life depended on it. That experience was truly terrifying in ways he couldn’t put into words. It was a nightmare even Rodney McKay, the pessimistic hypochondriac that fixated on worst case scenarios like it was an Olympic sport, hadn’t thought of.

All Rodney ever had was his intelligence, his mind, so to have that slowly taken from him was a fate far, _far_ , worse than death. Having an Iratus bug cling to his neck or getting the life sucked out of him by a Wraith sounded like a more pleasurable death than going through that ordeal ever again.

But despite all its horrors, it was an eye opening experience.

As he lost his mind, lost every piece of knowledge he ever gained, every memory that ever meant anything to him, he realised how important his family was. Jeannie, his truly brilliant sister; Maddison, the bright spark that she was; hell, even Kaleb and his vegetarianism. They all meant something to Rodney, in fact, they meant everything to him.

He understood how much the family he’d made for himself here on Atlantis meant to him as well. There was his ever loyal team, Teyla and Ronon; his talented work colleagues, Radek, Carter, Jennifer, even Woolsey; and his best friend in every galaxy, Carson. These people were as much his family as Jeannie was.

More importantly, he finally figured out what that tightening in his chest every time Sheppard was near meant. John was different from everyone else, he fit into every category yet none seemed quite right.

He was in love with John Sheppard and all it took was him losing his mind to figure it out.

Once the revelation came Rodney went into research mode, trying to pinpoint the exact moment he fell for a certain Lieutenant Colonel. He suspected it predated the dementia alien, and possibly predated the replicators. In fact the exact moment most likely predated a lot of things Rodney would rather forget.

As frustrating as it was Rodney couldn’t pinpoint the precise moment his feelings turned from purely platonic to decidedly romantic.

Maybe the moment was almost a year ago when Sheppard did the unthinkable to save Rodney’s life. It was all his fault anyways, he was the reason Jeannie was in this mess, so it was his responsibility to fix it. Even if that meant giving up his life. He was ready to do it too, ready to give himself over to the hungry Wraith, ready for it to suck the life out of him.

But John Sheppard just wouldn’t let him go. It’s not something they ever talk about but Rodney can’t imagine what John said to Henry Wallace that would make the man essentially commit suicide. John Sheppard convinced a man to sacrifice himself so that Rodney wouldn’t have to.

It was a big moment, huge in fact, but Rodney felt things long before this event occurred.

The moment may have been when John was captured by Kolya and the sadistic bastard had a Wraith feed on John a little at a time. It was one of the hardest things Rodney has ever had to witness. He remembers feeling so helpless, standing safely in Atlantis watching on a screen as the man he trusted above all else was tortured.

John’s screams were imprinted in Rodney’s brain, a sound he is unlikely to ever forget.

Perhaps the moment was long before that hardship. Perhaps it was the moment Rodney thought he’d lost John forever, not in death but in trust. He’d asked John to trust him, begged him to have faith in his abilities just this once. Sheppard being the man he was put his trust in Rodney.

All that trust and loyalty blew up in Rodney’s face when he couldn’t do as he promised; he couldn’t control the Ancient power source and destroyed three quarters of a solar system.

There was that horrible moment when he finally found John and the man could hardly look him in the eyes. He was nearly in tears praying that John would forgive him yet the Colonel said it would take a while for that trust to be earned back. It was devastating and heart breaking.

Maybe the moment he fell for John predated even that because the pain he felt had to come from somewhere.

Rodney remembers early on when he and John were stuck on deserted planet with some kind of super Wraith. He’d stayed behind to take care of Gall but he’d been itchy and restless the entire time. Rodney tried to tell himself he was on edge because at any moment the Wraith could return to feed on him and Gall, yet he knew the real reason. It seemed Gall knew as well, as the scientist teased Rodney about wanting to get in on the fight.

It wasn’t so much that Rodney enjoyed fighting, it was more the thought of John being out there without backup. The Wraith was stronger than any Wraith they’d been up against before and Sheppard was out there all alone. Rodney thought of a hundred different ways that day could go from horrible to outright devastating and each scenario involved him not being by John’s side.

He certainly had been deluding himself back then when he thought it was merely friendly concern.

The moment could be the first time John looked to Rodney with trust and confidence, when he looked at Rodney to save the day. No one had ever looked at Rodney McKay like that before, like they were everything and could do anything. In one look Rodney’s brain started working overtime, trying to think of some way to save Atlantis from a devastating storm with no ZPM. He wanted to prove to John that his trust wasn’t misplaced, that he really could be as amazing as John thought he could be.

He wanted to be everything for John Sheppard.

There was a chance the exact moment of romantic feelings consisted of several smaller moments. Maybe love was all about the little things, like John making sure there was no citrus in any traditional off world feast they were forced to endure for the sake of politics. Or John taking the time to teach him to fly a Puddle Jumper or correcting his form in the shooting range. Maybe it was when John would wander into the labs late at night with an energy bar and a bottle of water because he knew Rodney hadn’t taken a break in over seven hours.

It could even be simpler than that. The moment could be nothing more than the way John Sheppard smiled at him.

But maybe the first time Rodney fell for John Sheppard was the moment a clueless Air Force Major sat in a chair and thought about where they were in the universe.

Love was allowed to be that simple and didn’t need to be broken down to its base elements.

Love could just _be_.

 

**Author's Note:**

> For Camp NaNo I'm writing 20 short fics over several different fandoms, this is number 14.  
> [My Tumblr](http://www.nothing-personal-my-dear.tumblr.com)


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